emo

whoa, it's been an emotional morning - not because of something that happened here in Quito, but rather my heart is filled with emotion from stories back home from a couple of friends. one in particular from this entry from July 27

do i think i know everything? do i think i know everything because i have friends and influences who i think know everything about life and what it will be like? do i think i know everything because people come to me when they have problems, and say that im a smart 20 year old?

yes...yes, sadly that is what i think. and im glad to say that this has slowly been revealed to me during my time here in Quito thru the Word. who do i think i am, thinking that i know everything...im only 20.

who am i? and what am i doing here? i fear the future, and that is why i think i try and plan so much. i fear what it holds for me and often times try to make decisions based on which one will bring me the most "success", "happiness", or "joy." the issue with this line of thought however, is that is assumes that these positive outcomes are such that result in a "better" life. it overlooks trials, hardships and overcomings.

an excerpt i very much appreciate from John Ortberg's "The Life You've Always You've Wanted."

God does not intended that guidance be a shortcut to escape making decisions and taking risks. Indeed, God wants us to develop good judgement, and there is no way to develop it apart from a process that involves choices, and risks. If we are parents, we want to raise our children to become mature, healthy, responsible, and decisive adults. How can that happen if, the whole time they are growing up, they never make a decision on their own and they are instructed precisely what to do in every situation, what to wear, what to eat, what classes to take, whom to date. God's purpose in guidance is not to get us to perform the right actions. His purpose is to help us become the right kind of people. Personhood is formed thru making decisions. We learn to think and weigh options, we discover what we truly value, we take responsiblity for our choices. God wants us to be people, not robots, and that means we must make decisons.

aside from planning, i think another method i use to avoid making decisions is asking everybody in my path what THEY think, so that in turn, i don't have to make a decison, but rather, it is the person i ask who has made the decision for me. and if i avoid making a decision, i don't have to take responsiblity necessarily for the outcome of such a choice.

aiyaiyai... learning more about myself is a scary process. it's one that i anticipate with fear. i know, most don't use "anticipate", and "fear"
in the same sentence, but i have.

it's a miracle to me, and it's still a mystery

emotionally yours,
dL

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jer 29:11